Resident Evil 4: The Abridged Version
by Mr. Thumbsup
Summary: For people with short attention spans. Resident Evil 4, condensed into 2430 words. T rated, crackfic. Not recommended for people without a sense of humor.


**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Resident Evil**_**, nor any of the character used therein.**

**So, after a thousand years of not writing, I'm back for the moment. After the great feedback I've gotten from my Persona 4 Abridged and Tomb Raider Abridged fanfics, I decided I'd tackle another. This fanfic is meant as both a labor of love and a condemnation of various factors in **_**Resident Evil 4.**_** So without further ado, let's jump right in.**

**1-2-3-4-5-4-3-2-1**

**Village Level**

We begin our story with a narration from our friend Leon, who apparently hit puberty between games, because his voice has a much deeper pitch this time around. According to the opening narration, the Umbrella Corporation, the series mainstay that is responsible for everything bad that has ever happened in these games and was always treated with fear and respect, has been unceremoniously dissolved off-screen.

Isn't it just so wonderful how this game treats this long time villain with so much respect?

Leon, who has become a Federal Agent between games, has been sent to rescue the President's kidnapped daughter, on his own. That's right, folks: the President, Commander in Chief of the most powerful armed forces in the world, has sent a lone agent to a third world country, which may or may not be hostile _and _may or may not be Spain, to rescue his beloved daughter. Apparently, President Graham loves his daughter about as much as most gamers do.

Leon is escorted to the village by a pair of cops, who constantly mock and badmouth the federal agent who personally answers to the most powerful man in the world, who could quite possibly have them shot if he wanted to, or at least have their jobs. Then again, having the mentality to think of sending a single federal agent to rescue his daughter, such a thing probably wouldn't cross his mind anyway.

Leon decides to search the village door-to-door, entering the first house he sees without even knocking. The homeowner, a kindly man named Jose, attempts to defend his home against this strange man who entered his house without permission, and is immediately shot. His wife and children would later return to find quite dead after being shot by a home invader. Our Hero, ladies and gentlemen.

Having heard the shots, the deceased farmer's neighbors come to apprehend the foreigner who killed their friend, and are murdered for their troubles. After rescuing the dog from _Haunting Ground_ from a bear trap and raiding the farmer's storage sheds, Leon reaches the village. He is promptly attacked by the villagers, who had received news of poor Jose's death, and attempt to apprehend the murderer to turn him over to the police. Leon proceeds to butcher the lot of them, including a nice chainsaw salesman who was retiring in two days. Fortunately, no one thinks to run upstairs and grab the working shotgun to use against the man armed with a handgun and a knife.

After fighting his way through the economically-farming-based village's only farm, Leon comes across the second-most-annoying bad-accented wannabe-Ladies-man Spaniard in the series, Luis. At least his accent is consistent, unlike a certain mercenary who got trapped in Raccoon City with an insensibly-dressed cop. After their meeting, Leon is knocked unconscious by the Viking who rules the village.

Leon and Luis wake up in a shack, after being molested by the villagers and injected with heroin by the Church Leader.

After buying some weapons from an Australian flasher, ransacking the Village Viking's house, and murdering more people trying to protect their village, Leon is forced to fight the Kraken from _Clash of the Titans,_ before collapsing in a nearby house for five hours.

Upon awakening, Leon activates the village's extremely impractical river-damming mechanism before having to fight a charming fellow named El Gigante. I haven't the slightest idea why he would be called that.

Leon utilizes the Church's stained glass windows to unlock the door holding Ashley, voiced by Carolyn Lawrence, who, judging by her voice, in still stuck in Sandy-from-Spongebob mode.

The two meet the Church's leader, Osmund Saddler, who has both the greatest and stupidest evil plan in history: his entire plan revolves around the Plagas-infected Ashley going back home to infect the President- meaning, the easiest way to do so is let the federal agent- who is also in your control- do what he wants and take her back. For Saddler's plan to succeed, he literally _has to do nothing at all._

But instead, he gloats, as all villains do, blathering on to Leon and Ashley about how he should stop trying to take her back to the US and give her to them, so they can take her back to the US. While he does this, Leon apparently forgets about the high-powered weaponry he is carrying in his invisible briefcase.

Idiots. All of them.

Leon and Ashley escape, hole up in a shack with the Wannabe-Ladies-Man, and eventually run across a barn, where the Village Viking is waiting. Frustrating fight ensues where the Village Viking turns into a centipede. Odd choice, but what do I know. Leon brutally rips out the Viking's eye and uses it to enter the castle.

**Castle Level**

Upon entering the castle, our heroes meet an annoyingly-high-pitched midget. Any chance of taking this once-proud series seriously goes flying straight out the window. Ironically, in any other game, Salazar would be the most annoying and hated character, but since Carolyn Lawrence is here, she wins by default.

Once again, Leon does not think to use the high-powered weaponry he's been buying from the Australian Flasher and end several problems with his life.

Several rooms, ganados, and an encounter with a blinded Wolverine later, Ashley gets the bright idea of running away from the highly-trained, heavily-armed federal agent sent to rescue her, and is kidnapped Scooby-Doo style as a result.

Leon proceeds to fight his way through a sewer inhabited by the offspring of the Fly to activate a switch that will allow him to get to a door in the upper part he started in. This could have been easily done and the entire sewer area bypassed if he had used the grappling hook that he has attached to his belt, which he uses later.

After traversing the least-challenging hedge maze in history, Leon encounters a surprise: Ada, his forced love interest from _Resident Evil 2,_ is alive. This would be a legitimately shocking plot twist had it not been spoiled _by the fucking trailer._ Also, she's apparently working for Wesker, which Leon apparently knew about. When did he ever learn this? Anyway, rather than do the logical thing- team up against their common enemy and have Ada explain everything to Leon- she acts sultry and disappears, making this entire scene entirely pointless, and leaving me wondering why she wore a formal dress and stiletto heels for a mission in rural possibly-Spain.

Luis meets up with Leon again, only to be speared on the end of Saddler's tentacle dick. Rather than use the high-powered weaponry he keeps forgetting he had, Leon allows Saddler to escape so he can indulge his fetish for screaming people's names as they die.

Leon is finally reunited with Ashley… and she is taken away again two rooms later. Nice to see such an important scene. It makes my heart swell.

After making use of the horrendously impractical clock tower bridge, Leon finds Ashley… and is promptly dropped down a hole, using the aforementioned extremely useful grappling hook to survive. He lands in the easily escapable castle dungeon, which is apparently where Salazar hid the priceless family crown. Odd choice, but what do I know.

Salazar detaches his right hand and sends it to destroy Leon. Luckily, he wanted to give Leon a fighting chance, so he made sure to send the Verdugo to the area which is stocked with cryogenic fluid, which is kryptonite for the Verdugo. This works about as well as expected, with Leon killing the Verdugo and stealing the priceless Salazar Family jewel it ate.

Leon goes on a wild and whacky ride on a mine cart through a long-defunct mine, and then fights off a pair of el Gigante's, who, judging by their attire, were in the midst of a BDSM party when Leon showed up.

After fighting his way up a tall tower, Leon encounters the annoying midget again, who informs him that Ashley has been taken to the Final Dungeon, once again rendering all previous escort levels with Ashley entirely pointless.

Salazar, in a fit of stupidity rivaling that of even the Umbrella Corporation, allows himself to be devoured by the Queen Plaga, in order to be irreversibly mutated so he can kill a single man. He also takes his remaining bodyguard with him, who seems less than pleased. Disgusting boss fight ensues where you literally have to shoot Salazar in his long, thin, one-eyed monster. Salazar pukes and dies.

Leon happens to come upon Ada again, who offers him a ride to the island. Leon, who has already been shown that he cannot trust this woman, agrees instantly.

**Island Level**

After being nearly killed by the woman he knew he couldn't trust (what a shock) Leon finds himself facing the local militia, who are seeking justice for the hundreds that Leon slayed in the village. Leon slaughters his way through the soldiers and their incredibly annoying and overpowered chainguns and stunguns, eventually finding himself in the kitchen, where he is scared out of his wits by an incredibly dumb fellow who thought it'd be a good idea to lock himself in a hot oven.

After watching a bit of rape subtext in Ashley's cell that is never followed up on, we are introduced to Jack Krauser, Leon's former partner who changes sides more times than anyone can count. He's a former Federal Agent who commits high treason to work for Wesker, for whom he acts as a double agent spying on Saddler while pretending that he's working for Saddler spying on Wesker, except not really, because he really is working for Saddler, as seen when he attacks Ada, except no, except oi…

The firmly established pattern continues with Leon rescuing Ashley and letting her get kidnapped again two rooms later. This time, however, Leon manages to plant a highly visible, audibly beeping tracker on Ashley while Saddler watches, which doesn't matter anyway, considering that the doors he takes Ashley through follow a completely linear path that it is physically impossible to stray from.

Leon engages in a knife fight with his old friend Krauser, somehow deducing that Krauser is the one who kidnapped Ashley simply because he faked his death. Krauser further shows his own stupidity by misidentifying Ada's pink dress as red. He leaves, giving Leon the usual prepare-to-die speech that every other character has given him, and, for some reason, does not report Ada's betrayal to Wesker

After cavorting around in the Laser Trap stolen from the Movie, Leon discovers that Saddler noticed and removed the highly-noticeable, audibly-beeping tracker that he placed on Ashley while Saddler was watching, and is understandably shocked. However, this shock is cut short by the creatively-named IT, a human-bulldog-scorpion monster that I'm sure Umbrella would be drooling to get their hands on. At least they'd give it a more creative name.

We are introduced to Mike, a helicopter pilot, which means he's pretty much signed his death warrant. Mike commences in helping Leon get through the next war-torn area, shooting enemies when you don't need him to, and just hovering when you do need him.

As expected, Mike dies, allowing both Leon to scream his name in anguish, and Capcom to indulge their strange grudge against helicopter pilots. (Have you noticed that? Every helicopter pilot to ever appear in a Resident Evil game ends up dead.)

After nearly strangling Slut, I mean Ada, to death, Leon apologizes very casually, then the two team up to rescue Ashley- for reals this time. In an extremely cathartic scene, Leon straps Ashley to an operating table and zaps her with electricity, putting her in intense pain for several seconds. If only he had let it run a little longer- then she could have died. Leon and Ashley use this machine to remove the Plagas implanted in their bodies, somehow knowing that it would work despite having no knowledge whatsoever that this machine existed.

The final battle begins with Leon facing off against Saddler to rescue Ada. Saddler quickly loses most of his intimidation factor by turning into a giant spider. He was far creepier when he was in his human form, as evidenced by his fight against Ada. The boss fight is really an anticlimax, with Ada throwing Leon a rocket launcher, in a scene mirroring the one from _Resident Evil 2._ This proves that Leon doesn't have to be skilled to fight monsters- Ada will show up and bail him out.

Speaking of Ada, she repays him for rescuing her by sticking a gun to his head and demanding she give him the Plaga sample dropped by Saddler. Rather than let Leon take it home to have it analyzed and get a cure mass-produced in case of any future outbreaks, Ada takes it to give to Wesker, thus allowing the not-as-racist-as-the-soccer-moms-claimed Resident Evil 5 to be created.

Rather than give Leon and the President's daughter a lift off of the exploding island, Ada instead gives Leon the keys to her jetski and tells him to hurry up. Leon rushes to get Ashley, and the two roar off into the sunset after he turns down the offer of sex. This causes countless people (trolls) to call Leon gay because he turned down sex from the daughter of the President, who hired him to rescue her.


End file.
